The Big Man Upstairs
by Gail Cregg
Summary: Tony has a chat with 'the big man upstairs' and a few others.


_AN. Partially inspired by a chapter of ytteb's When Tony Met Gibbs. Tony's deal was mentioned in I think it was the second of the Engaged episodes in season 9_.

* * *

Was that a fist coming toward his face? A bullet whizzing past his head? Is that ringing in his ears the result of an explosion? Those flashing lights headlights on a vehicle about to crash into his? Are these about to be his last moments on earth?

With his eyes still scrunched tight shut Tony wriggles a little and is slightly relieved to realize he is seated in his chair with his feet up on his desk. He opens his eyes, swings his feet to the floor and looks around. He closes his eyes, blinks a few times then opens them again but the scene is still the same.

 _What the..?_ He is alone in the squad room. Everything is in its normal place. Desks, filing cabinets, plasma screens, photocopiers etc. but as well as the missing personnel one other thing is definitely not as usual. _Huh? Why is it all white? White?_ He blinks again. The room remains white except the red glow of the news feed on the back wall. He shivers. _What is going on here? What is this place?_

"Breathe DiNozzo." The command booms out around the room. Tony jumps to his feet and looks around. He can see no-one.  
"Who are you? What is this place? Am I...dead?"  
"Ya think?"  
The aroma of very strong coffee wafts through the room. Tony inhales and shakes his head as his mind starts to clear.  
"Gibbs is that you? Are _you_ my God?"  
There's a grunt that somehow manges to sound as if its owner is trying not to laugh. It appears to be coming from outside MTAC.  
"I have many names. All will be revealed in good time _very_ special agent DiNozzo."  
"What will be revealed? How do you know about _very_ special agent? Is this about our deal?"  
There is silence and Tony starts to pace the bullpen.

'You did your bit. I'll give you that " he mutters then continues at ordinary speaking volume. "She wanted me to keep going to school. Be involved in sports and play with my friends. Hated how her illness was affecting me. I tried so hard but all I wanted was to be with her. No one said she was dying. Not until the last days. I mean how do you tell a kid that. I knew though. Of course, I knew. It was obvious she wasn't getting better no matter what the docs did. I told her stories. Made her laugh. We watched movies. One day I needed a moment. Time between school and stepping into her hospital room with a happy clown grin. I stopped and sat in the hospital chapel for awhile."

'What happened then?"  
"Don't you know Gibbs God? I always thought God knew _everything_?" Makes the boss kind of perfect for the role he thinks to himself.  
"You need to talk about it."  
Tony chuckles. "You want me to talk? Who are you and what have you done with the real Gibbs?"  
"DiNozzo!" The back of his head feels like it's just been slapped. "Don't make this as long as one of Dr Mallard's stories."  
"Oookay. This isn't easy ya know." He takes a deep breath and then lets it out slowly. "As I sat there I was tired. I was desperate. I felt so powerless. I needed to do something."  
"Yes?"  
"So I decided to make a deal. A deal with God."  
"To make your Mom healthy again?"  
"No."  
"No?"  
"I dunno why. That option didn't occur to me."  
"You were just a kid Tony."  
"Yeah." He sighs. "I promised God that if I could be with my Mom when she died I'd spend my life helping others."  
"And that's why you ran into that burning building, became a cop and eventually joined NCIS."  
Tony nods.

"Lately though you've been having doubts about staying."  
"Yes."  
"Thinking over the past and questioning things?"  
"Yes.  
"You feel with Ziva staying in Israel, Ellie joining the team and now talk of Tim moving elsewhere it might be time for you to move on. Maybe take up a team leader position somewhere. You'd be good at that."  
"Rule number five." DiNozzo smiles a little sadly.  
"I think you are ready."  
"Well that means a lot." The sarcastic reply is snapped back at the voice.  
"Oh. Sorry. I meant I think you are now ready for your visitors."  
"Visitors."  
"I'll start with an easy one."  
"Easy?" Without quite knowing how he got there he is seated back at his desk.

"Hey Tone-e." The familiar voice causes him to swivel in his chair. Chris Pacci is standing at the bend in the stairs and remains there as the conversation progresses.  
"Pacci."  
"Heard you went on a date with a he/she and there was kissing..."  
"I didn't know."  
"Thanks for helping bring Voss down."  
"Couldn't have done it without your work tracking him. Gibbs was quite impressed."  
Pacci looks pleased. "Can't believe you're still on his team. Thought Director Shepard offered you team leader in Rota?"  
"Yeah. Timing wasn't right. Boss wasn't at his best. Team needed me."  
The image of Pacci starts growing fuzzy at the edges.  
"Chris?"  
"And now? What do _you_ need DiNozzo?"  
A bright dazzling light causes him to blink and when he opens his eyes Pacci is gone.

"Do you regret it Tony? Passing up on that opportunity. You were ready for it. You earned it."  
He swivels round to find a business suited redhead in front of him.  
"Jenny. I mean Director Shepard. I mean..."  
"Oh, special agent DiNozzo after all I put you through I think the least I can do is allow you to call me Jenny."  
"Tony". He reaches out and they shake hands.  
"Did you regret it?"  
"Never."  
She lifts an eyebrow in a clear expression of skepticism.  
"Now and then. The La Grenouille case..."  
"I should never have involved you in that."  
"I shouldn't have fallen in love with her."  
"No shame in that. You're only human after all."  
"So you're here to apologize. What would Gibbs think?"  
Jenny laughs. "I'm invoking rule 51."  
"Don't know that one."  
"Sometimes you're wrong. He wrote it down once."  
"Huh. Jenny I need to say." This is really getting weird he thinks. "I need to say. I'm sorry too. Sorry about how you died. I mean Franks was there but it was only the two of you...you did it for Gibbs...shouldn't have let you go off on you own. "  
"I gave you an order."  
"But still.."  
"No more guilt Tony. I know how you struggled after my death and I wish I could've told you this then. It was my choice. You have nothing to feel guilty about."  
"Okay." He gives a thoughtful nod as if thinking it over and Jenny fades from view.

"Did you tell her Tony? Did you tell her? I've always wanted to know that."  
He swivels towards McGee's desk where special agent Cassidy now sits.  
"Paula."  
"Well did you?"  
"Did I tell her who _what_?" He asks with a hint of exasperation in his tone these know it all visions starting to remind him of the early years with Ziva when she was convinced she had all the answers and hers were far superior to anyone else's.  
"When we talking as we checked out the site of that explosion. You told me that you loved someone but you hadn't told her."  
"I did."  
"How did it go?"  
"It went...hang on a minute. How come you don't already know this? The others seemed to know stuff that happened after they died."  
"Not every little thing gets through." She shrugs.  
"I told her. It was an unndercover op and it ended...not well."  
"Oops. My bad." She looks uncomfortable and sits staring at her feet.  
"It was amazing what you did Paula. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be alive...if I still am..."  
"Thanks Tony. " She fades away leaving Tony's mind remembering that case.

"Daydreaming on the job again DiNozzo?"  
"Kate." Of course if he was going to experience visions he knew she'd be in there somewhere.  
"You named a fish after me Tony? A fish!" She is clearly upset about this.  
"Ah."  
"Was that your idea of a funny, funny joke?" She glares.  
"No. I didn't want to lose you. I need you in my life...if only in fish form."  
She smiles. "You're a good agent and you are ready for more."  
"More?"  
"The shallow frat boy act won't work on me. I know you too well Tony and you know exactly what I mean by more."  
"I do. Thanks Kate."  
"You're welcome _very_ special agent DiNozzo." As the others did she fades away.

"Ready to move on with your life DiNozzo?'  
"Move on where?"  
"Anywhere you choose. I must point out that one can move without a change of physical location."  
"That's a bit too cryptic for me I'm afraid."  
"Time to go back."  
"Wait."  
"What is it now DiNozzo?" The voice is sounding weary.  
"Well you know so much about me, about my past at least but I know nothing about you."  
"What would you like to know?"  
"Could...could I see you?  
"Ah."  
"Please."

Suddenly there is a flash of light and a person steps out of MTAC dressed all in white and with his arms spread wide.  
"You. You...are...God?" Tony splutters. "Then what was with that coffee aroma, saying ya think and the head slap sensation?"  
"Been working on coming across as more authoritative and in command. The coffee was to help bring you out of your confused state and to get you to start paying attention."  
"It certainly did that. This has been...illuminating. Thanks Jimmy God."  
As he starts to wake from his deep slumber at his desk a soft voice responds "Good luck Tony."


End file.
